


Flicker

by bananaseok, seokminstars (bananaseok)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: F/M, Forgive Me, HHAH, I'm Sorry, a walk to remember reference, and this came up, i love this story though, i was trying to get rid of my writer's block, it's my first jisoo fic, kind of, so if you don’t know the better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 18:52:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12637095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bananaseok/pseuds/bananaseok, https://archiveofourown.org/users/bananaseok/pseuds/seokminstars
Summary: Jisoo writes a letter to the love of his life





	Flicker

I remember meeting you when I was 24. I on my way to work and was rushing because the coffee shop was unusually not functioning properly—the AC was broken and the crew was working in an unbelievably slow pace. It was as if the world didn’t want me to smile at work.

How we met was cliché and it may make everybody who asks us how we met cringe. I got my coffee, turned around to make an exit but you were surprisingly in the way so I spilled my ever so hot coffee on your beautiful white dress.

“HOLY SH—“

“Oh no!” I even managed to block your curse because that’s the least I want to hear in this somewhat occurring ugly day.

“Goodness, oh no.” I literally dropped my coffee and frantically wiped your dress with my hands as if it could erase the stain away. I felt so sorry when you jumped around in pain, but even more sorry because the people around us took photos and videos.

“I’m really sorry, please come with me, I might hand you some clothes.” I said with hopeful eyes. It took you a lot of convincing and I almost got down on my knees but eventually, you came with me to my shared dorm with my band mates.

“Hyung, I thought you were going to practice early—oh.” There was Seokmin, standing in the middle of the dorm. His jaw dropped when he saw you and I saw the blush that crept on your cheeks.

“I—It’s not what it looks like.” I said with a calm tone but deep inside I was screaming. Seokmin didn’t seem convinced but that was least of my concerns so I just pulled you to Jihoon’s room since his frame is small and I think his clothes could fit yours.

“This isn’t mine but it will fit you.” I opened his closet and again, it took me a long time for you to dig in through his closet. You chose a dark blue polo that was a little bit big on you but you settled for it since you said you were running late.

“You don’t have to.” You told me when I said that I’d wash your top for you and just return it.

“No, it’s the least I could do.” I put my hands together like I was praying.

Maybe it was my batting lashes that convinced you but whatever it was, I’m glad I got your number. It wasn’t long, I think it only took me a day to meet you again. I instantly headed to the dry cleaning shop for your clothes to be washed and chose to be late for dance practice. They scolded me a lot, and Seokmin couldn’t look at me in the eye for a solid week until I explained to him what happened. And as for Jihoon, he didn’t notice his one piece of clothing was gone and that is probably one of the reasons why I’m alive today.

I treated you coffee at the second time we met. You told me to pick you up at the Hospital. I was kind of worried why you were there but you told me that you were just there because your sister works as a doctor there. I returned your top and you returned Jihoon’s. I thought you were mad but no, you quickly brushed it off and I was impressed. You carried a light atmosphere in you and I could swear it made my morning better. We didn’t arrange another meeting, though, because we didn’t have any reasons to.

The third time we met was yet another unexpected event. We were getting ready for our comeback and photoshoots were a part of it. The venue was in this big white house with a really huge garden and pool outside. I was sitting at one of the benches when I saw your familiar figure struggling to carry a suitcase. I immediately ran to you, hoping that it was really you and surprise!

“You’re blonde!” You said in delight, forgetting about the suitcase for a second.

“Let me help you. Where are you going?” I asked, getting the suitcase from you.

“3rd floor. I’m this boyband’s stylist. Ryeojin can’t make it.” You said with a light pout. “What are you doing here?”

I laughed and even more laughed when I saw you frowning at me like I’m some maniac. I honestly thought you knew me the moment you saw me but I guess not everyone is into K-Pop, am I right?

I let you find out who I am when we reached the third floor. Your jaw dropped when you found out that the Hong Jisoo you met is the Joshua Hong of Seventeen. I could still picture you and still laugh at your reaction. It was as if the world betrayed you!

“Hyung, isn’t that the girl you spilled coffee on?” Seokmin asked when we were waiting for our turn to be dressed. You were pretty busy with Mingyu, then. Maybe you were too amazed by his visuals, I don’t know. Up to this day I don’t know if you had a crush on him.

I simply nodded at Seokmin with a fascinated smile. You were really hardworking, you take precision in choosing our wardrobe but I noticed you get tired easily that’s why I reminded the boys to be cooperative when it comes to you.

When it was my turn, you had something prepared for me already (yes, I do felt special). It was black trousers, and white polo with gray crystals in them. You said it complimented my blonde hair and the piercings on my left ear.

I was the last one to be dressed, and you were already tired so I didn’t converse with you that much. Instead, I offered you my little fan and a glass of water.

“You okay?” I asked and you nodded. Not long after, I was called out because it was my turn to be shot.

I could say that out third meeting was the start of our the real story because that was the time I walked you home, and asked you if you were free at Saturday so I could take you out for lunch.

“Yeah, but I’m more of a dinner person.” You said with a cute frown. I know it was meant to be a joke but I just agreed. I’d be glad to conform to whatever you want.

That one dinner turned to several dinners, up to the point we did it so often and the next thing I knew, we were dating. It was risky because I was an idol but we both took the risk. The fans knew, because there were pictures of us going out that circulated the internet.

You would often cry to me for hours because of the hurtful words some of them would throw at you. You even thought of breaking up with me but you instantly regretted it at some point. I’m glad you chose to stay even if times are hard, even if I have a busy schedule. I’m really thankful to have an angel like you who relieves my stress just by laughing at my lame jokes, who can put up with my weird band mates, and most especially who calls me a rap god.

“Why can’t we go out on broad daylight? The sun is great!” I asked you once when we were at your apartment having dinner.

You groaned. “I hate the sun.” You said, almost in a rude manner may I add.

“I love the sun, though.” I muttered, sinking down the chair.

I heard you sigh so deep. You took my hand and gripped it tight. “Maybe a little bit of sun won’t hurt.” I looked up at you with a bright smile on my face. It was a shallow topic, but I really do enjoy going out while the sun is out. It makes me see the beauty of nature.

It made me see more of your beauty. The sun was shining so bright and your yellow floral dress blended along with it. We were at the park, taking a walk while eating our pretzel, hands intertwined, and it was everything I wanted. The day was beautiful, the flowers were beautiful, and most especially you.

The sun shone on you like it was your spotlight, the entire park was your stage. There were dogs you would per every once in a while and they would make you giggle whenever they would jump on you and lick you. Your giggle was my favorite song.

It wasn’t long until your energy went down the drain. You got tired again and asked to sat down for a while. Finding a vacant bench near the lake, we sat there with your head resting on my shoulder.

“You have the energy of my 70 year old grandma.” I joked, poking your cheeks lightly. You only chuckled and coughed lightly. “Do you want to go home?”

I felt a sense of guilt when you nodded. You looked really tired and drained that time. You were as drained as we were at the end of every tour and it wasn’t good. I hailed a cab although it was only a 10 minute walk because you really looked like you were going to fall to the ground.

I laid you down on your bed and as I touched your hand, you were so hot that I withdrew my hand immediately. There were also red spots all over your arms and limbs that looked like dog bites, and you were barely moving.

“B-babe. Hold on, I’ll get you some medicine, okay?” As I was about to stand up, you took me by the hand to restrain me.

“No, I’m fine.” You said with a very weak smile.

“You’re not fine.” I whispered and felt a lump in my throat. I’ve always depicted you as someone who laughs a lot and smiles a lot even though you may be introverted and barely go out, and to see you this weak broke my heart. “I hate myself for forcing you to go out. If I didn’t, you wouldn’t have caught a rash and a fever.”

“Don’t say that.” You reached your hand out to me but you hissed at the slight movement. “I had a fun time. It’s just a fever. I’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

“Okay.” I tried to convince myself that you were okay when it was clear that you weren’t. “I’m staying the night.”

You shook your head. “You have a TV guesting tomorrow, Josh.”

“No, it’s really fine.”

“Don’t be so stubborn.” Your voice was whole and tough as you scolded me, and as sad as the situation was, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Alright.” I nodded. “I’ll drop by tomorrow to make sure you’re fine.”

“Alright.” You nodded. “Josh. Can I tell you something?”

My heart began to beat so fast as if I was going to have a panic attack. I wasn’t used to hearing those words so it made me tense. “Go ahead.” I replied, trying to keep my cool.

“I love you.” You shyly said and the smile on my face can’t help but show. You don’t know how happy I was the moment I heard those three words from you. It was like the heavens opened their gates onto me and the angels descended down, singing to me.

“And I love you, too.” Our exchange of I love you’s were very unfitting for the moment, but the abruptness and the surprise I got filled my heart with joy.

I patted your head lightly before I stood up to leave. There was a weird sensation in between my fingers when I left. It was ticklish and when I looked at them, they had a couple of hair strands from you.

It made me panic, and I wanted to go back to your apartment but I didn’t want to ruin your rest. You told me you’ll be fine and I trust you so much. If only I had went back then I would have known. But you were fine the next day and the day after that and the months after that so I thought I just panicked.

Our first anniversary came, and it was tour. You came to one of our concert dates and sat with my parents where you could see the stage clearly. You told me a hundred times that you don’t want to come but I just really want you to see our performance, and it was a good thing you came because people told me that I had the best aura in the whole stadium.

Backstage was where we ate dinner with my parents. I was so gutted that I couldn’t take you out on a fancy restaurant for our anniversary but you were so considerate and you told me “There are still many more times to eat on a fancy restaurant.” And you held my hand, and I pulled you in for a light kiss.

It was when we were done eating dinner when I noticed you were drained again. It’s been a year that I’ve been with you but I’m still not used to you being tired with such little activities.

“Let’s get you home.” I told you when we both were done sending off my parents.

“Let’s stay a while longer. My knees hurt.” You said.

I laughed and said “You are such a grandma.” but I was really worried about you. I let you rest for a while as I changed my clothes. I could hear Soonyoung, Seungkwan, and Seokmin trying to talk to you but their limited English seemed inadequate but that’s what made it more fun. I could hear you laughing along with them but when I saw that you really looked tired, I had to stop them from bothering you though I know you loved it.

“Do you want to go now?” I asked you and you nodded. I took you by the hand to help you stand up, but you were quick to fall to the ground, unconscious and unable to respond. The boys and the crew helped me to get you to the hospital.

Your lips were pale and dry, and your rashes were starting to show. Your fingers looked swollen and I didn’t know what to do. Jeonghan and Seungcheol stayed with me through the trip to the hospital because I’d go crazy if something more happens to you.

I was so close to pulling all of my hair out as I paced back and forth in the waiting area. Jeonghan and Seungcheol told me to calm down but I responded so rudely, saying,

“How am I supposed to calm down?!” My vocal coach told me to never shout unless it’s in a concert, and I never did want to shout at any of my band mates but I was so confused and in panic at that moment that my brain was losing its screws.

“I’m sorry.” I stopped my tracks and sat in between them. Jeonghan pulled me into a hug while Seungcheol asked me if this was the first time you fainted.

“Since we got together? I think so.” I answered weakly. “She’s always tired but I just thought that she’s just not a person who loves to play around.”

“I noticed that she often gets tired, too. And it’s not normal, not for me.” Jeonghan added. “But I’m sure she’s fine, Josh. It’s just a little sickness.”

I know Jeonghan intended to comfort me and I appreciated it, but something deep inside me knew that you weren’t fine. My senses aren’t usually in tact when it comes to other people but with you, it feels like it has its puma eye on, like there’s this need for me to watch over you though at times you looked fine.

“Joshua Hong? Hong Jisoo?” I heard my name being called out, so I followed the voice and ran into a lady who was about in her mid-30s. Jeonghan and Cheol followed a little later.

“Hi, I’m her sister.” She handed out her hand to me and I instantly took it to shake it.

“Hi, it’s nice to finally meet you.” I said and she nodded in acknowledgement.

“It’s nice to finally meet you after she told me some cute guy spilled coffee on her.” She joked but her mood suddenly shifted. “I would like to talk to you in private, if the two don’t mind.” Your sister said, looking at Cheol and Jeonghan apologetically. The two were quick to oblige and sat at the seats where they said they would wait for me.

Your sister took me to a much secluded place, kind of where only a few authorized personnel could come through.

“Has.. Has she been going out a lot?” She asked in almost a whisper.

“We often go out at night..”

“Not in daylight?” I shook my head. “Has she been working too much?”

“N-not that I know of,” I shook my head again but this time frantically. “she sometimes works for photoshoots but only seldom.”

Your sister sighed. “Who carries her bags for the photoshoots, then? She always has this big suitcase with her.”

“I do. I always make sure she calls me whenever she goes out because I know she gets tired so easily.”

“Listen, Joshua.. My sister’s not really prone to activities that require so much work. When she was 15, she was diagnosed with SLE, or Lupus. Systemic Lupus Erythematous.”

Your sister wasn’t very gentle, to be exact. She broke it down to me like she’s explaining the ABCs of life, like she thought I could handle it very well. I didn’t understand what an SLE was, all I know is that I heard Lupus and my heart dropped to the ground.

“It’s an autoimmune disease where her immune system attacks her very own immune system. Her organs aren’t functioning quite well, especially her kidney. She’s been taking prednisone but quit a year after because it didn’t work on her. We thought she was just eating too much but it just turned out to be water. It’s 40 Liters of water.”

My heart shattered to a million pieces upon hearing your story. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, not when you look normal to me on most occasions. You didn’t look like you were suffering through an autoimmune disease. You didn’t look like you were suffering. I felt so stupid for being so nonchalant. I should have figured it out the first time you got that fever from the park.

“Has she told you that she’s scheduled for a kidney transplant in 5 days?” I was dumbfounded at your sister’s question. I didn’t even know you were sick, let alone a scheduled kidney transplant.

“If you could make it, please be there for her.” She took my hand and squeezed it tight. “She only has me and you. Our mother died from Lupus, too.”

My knees felt week, my heart is shattered but I just can’t seem to bring myself to cry in front of your system. My id and my super-ego were finally acting as one and they told me to act strong for the sake of you. If I cried, nothing would happen. The anxiety and depression would just consume me and I couldn’t do that, not when you were suffering more.

I went my way to Jeonghan and Cheol, not bothering to speak. I just told them we should go home because you weren’t still allowed for visits, that I’d just come by tomorrow.

My world came crumbling down the moment I landed on my bed and the lights got turned off. I was in a crying mess, sobbing so hard that Seungkwan and Seokmin had to get up and comfort me. Jeonghan and Cheol even heard me and went inside our room.

I couldn’t explain to them what happened though I wanted to. I was really crying so hard, my entire body was shaking and I was unable to speak.

“Hyung..” Seungkwan and Seokmin said in chorus. I couldn’t look at them as I was enveloped in Jeonghan’s tight hug and my head was nuzzled on his chest.

Jeonghan kept whispering to me that everything will be fine, that I should keep myself together for you, but my heart could only take so much. You were very dear to me and knowing you are suffering pains me so much, especially when I couldn’t do something but just be there for you.

It took me so long to calm down, but when I did, I could not sleep and I waited until the sun rose up to get ready to go to you, as to what Cheol told me. I packed my bags so I could stay with you until we get the results from your surgery to your overall health.

When I arrived at your hospital room, I saw you lying down there, wide awake as if you’re just in your normal bed.

“Hi, Josh.” Your voice was raspy but you were still smiling. I quickly went to you and kissed your forehead. “You look tired. Did you sleep?”

“A little.” I really didn’t get any sleep.

“You should sleep. I’ll be fine.” You told me. I sat down on the couch next to your bed. I held your hand in which you kind of flinched, telling me that it hurts even with such a soft touch. You still held my hand, though, because you said it makes you feel safe.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked in a whisper. My voice shook at every word.

“Because if I told you, you would worry about me, and I don’t want that.” You weakly smiled. “I just want to be happy, you know. I didn’t want to worry about my health and just live a normal life.”

“But still.. I could have done something—“

“Like sympathize with me? Share your empathy?” You cut me off and I was taken aback by your sudden irate. I sat stiffly on the couch, unable to touch you because you might not like it.

“No.. I..”

“Then what? Pity me because I’m dying—“

“You’re not dying!” I whisper shouted. I saw how your lips quivered and progressively, you broke down in tears. I immediately stood up to caress your face gently. “Don’t say that, okay?” I softly said.

“I’m scared, Josh..” You weakly said in the middle of crying. “What if this surgery goes wrong and—“

“It won’t go wrong. I’m here. You don’t have to be scared.” I crouched down to level my face to you. “You will be fine.” I said and kissed your cheek gently.

Eventually, the kidney transplant went on without failure. The surgeon said that the surgery flowed smoothly and that your body reacted to it like how a normal person should.

I’d be lying if I say that it didn’t scare me. I kept on thinking about the possible complications while you were in the process of surgery. What if your body rejects the anesthesia? What if you can’t bear the pain? What if it all goes wrong?

If it really wasn’t for Jeonghan who stayed with me all throughout your surgery, I would lose my mind, and maybe, just possibly, I might be checked in the psychiatric unit.

You stayed in the hospital for 5 more days until you were discharged. Our agency was somehow against it, but they agreed for me to stay with you because you can’t be alone. Most of the time, your sister would come home so I could go back and stay at the dorm but whenever she won’t, I’d stay.

You were happy again, and little bit energetic than how you were before the surgery. I kept reminding you to rest and lie down because your stitches are still fresh but you would only laugh at me and call me a mother.

We went back to normal again, thankfully. You were recovering fast as you attended your weekly check-up, and we would go on dates (of course it didn’t include highly energy consuming activities). The kids would often visit you at your apartment to bring you food and flowers, and most especially to give you a sense of entertainment. They have grown closer to you and it was as if they were your own brothers, too.

The fans, too. They would often send you flowers and gifts at your doorstep, and I would get them for you. You told me that you had fans as well, and that you could be an idol like me to which I laughed at. But really, you felt so loved and happy that it made me happy as well.

Your happiness meant a lot to me and I know you really want to see the Pandas in Hong Kong so, for our third anniversary, I asked your sister and your personal doctor if I could take you there. It took a lot of paperwork because of your medications, but at the end, they allowed me to take you there. They gave me so much pointers and reminders that I thought I was a caregiver but I didn’t care about that. I just really want to take you there happily and safely.

We went to Hong Kong, just the two of us. The kids were really bummed that I won’t be taking them with us but I promised to take photos of the cute little Pandas we will see.

And so there we were, on the plane, sitting together. You held my hand with your cold ones and gripped it tight. I asked you what’s wrong and you said,

“This is my first flight in 15 years.” You looked really nervous—cutely nervous—that’s why I laughed and placed a soft kiss on your cheek.

“More people are killed by cows than airplanes if that helps.” You let out a frustrated groan at my statement so I muttered a sorry and let you rest your head on my shoulders. You easily get scared but I was always there for you as much as I can.

“Josh, look at the baby pandas!” You squealed when we were at the sanctuary. You were trying so hard not to scream but you were freaking out because of the baby pandas.

I looked at you and saw that your eyes were glistening. You were so soft and delicate, and your adoration for the Pandas amused me so much that I had to take a picture with every move you make with Minghao’s camera that he lended me.

“The babies are so cute..” You whispered under your breath. I walked to you and wrapped an arm around your waist.

“Baby Joshuas would be cuter.” I said and you looked at me with a disgusted face. I pouted. “I guess not, then.”

You laughed, tho. “I’m kidding! I would love to see little Joshuas bouncing around the house when we’re older.”

It made me so happy to know that you see your future with me. I’ve always been one to believe that we can never be too sure of the future, most especially who we end up with, but to have you in my hands, by my side, and in my life, I was certain I’d be with you until we’re old and grown.

The world was in my hands whenever I hold you. I always thought that I could never love anyone as much as I love my career (save for my parents) but then you showed up and showed me a whole new perspective.

We spent our time in the sanctuary then went back to the hotel to rest. You weren’t that tired and really wanted to go out some more but I had to make sure you don’t get your flares at this very special day.

Night time came. We both were ready to get dinner at this floating restaurant. I called an Uber and soon, there we were. You were nervous but I wasn’t surprised. You were anxious, and kept thinking that the restaurant could sink at any time but I kept you distracted by talking about this amusement park we’d go to tomorrow.

My heart was beating so fast the entire night. I don’t know if it was because of the thought that you’d get your flares again, or because you were anxious of the stupid floating restaurant, or because of the ring in my pocket.

I’ve been keeping it for 6 months now and I thought it would be cool to profess how much I want to spend my whole life taking care of you, being with you, and being in love with you at our third anniversary but I forgot about it because our conversation was so deep and I got carried away.  _Maybe it wasn’t meant to be professed on that day. Maybe tomorrow_. I thought to myself when we were lying down the bed, preparing to go to sleep.

It was around 3 in the morning when you woke me up. You said your throat hurts so I got you a glass of water but when I returned, you were gone. I heard a gagging sound and I hurried to the bathroom to find you sitting in front of toilet, vomiting. I wouldn’t panic so much if it was just a normal vomit, but it had blood in it—too much blood that I thought it was just pure blood. I phoned your sister and thank God she answered right away.

“Joshua, you should take her home right now.” Was her advice and I instantly obliged. I booked the closest flight although it costed a fortune, but I didn’t care about that. What ran through my mind was that we needed to go home and get you checked up.

Your kidney failed again. Both of them did. The transplanted kidney never worked in the first place, and your other kidney had stopped functioning. The doctor said that you can have another transplant but it would just fail over and over again since it wasn’t your kidney that’s the problem. It was your immune system attacking your own immune system.

You said you didn’t want any more surgery because it will just keep failing over and over again. You lost hope in transplants, and you lost hope in your medications. But what I was proud of is that you didn’t lose hope in yourself. You kept on fighting even though you were starting to reside in a hospital instead of your apartment. You never really whine on how bummed you were, of how sick you were, in fact, you always told me that you’d get better in time, then, we could continue our trip to Hong Kong.

“It hurts.” Was the only complain I heard from you.

“What does?” I asked.

“Everything.” You muttered. I just sighed and felt gutted knowing that there’s nothing we both could do to ease the pain.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, my fingers began to tap the table next to me, creating my own beat. What started out as humming began as singing, and so I sang to you,

 _“And I want this to pass, I want this to last, last too long._  
Then I think of the past and it echoes a spark,  
And I remember the magic electricity  
Then I look in my heart, there’s a light in the dark  
Still a flicker of hope that you first gave to me  
That I wanna keep. Please don’t leave.”

I heard you breathe in deep, and you reached out for my hand which I gladly gave. “Your voice is so sweet.”

“Thank you. I get that a lot.” I joked and you laughed.

“I love you, Jisoo.” Your eyes were closed but you were wearing a smile. Just when I thought when I couldn’t love you any more than I do, I do. You called me Jisoo for the first time. I remember you not wanting to call me Jisoo because it was like saying I love you to actor Kim Jisoo, or Blackpink’s Kim Jisoo, when you only love Seventeen’s Hong Jisoo.

“Open your eyes for me.” I softly said and you did. I slowly let go of your hand and pulled out the red velvet box with the ring that I meant to give you on our third anniversary but chickened out.

Your mouth gaped at the sight but I could only smile at you. “I meant to give this to you at Hong Kong but we were too carried away by the conversation.”

You can’t speak as you were lost for words. Your eyes were glistening and were filled with tears.

“I want you to know that I am more than willing to stay by your side eternally. Are you, too?” You nodded slowly as everything in your hurts, but if it didn’t, I’m sure you would nod frantically. “Will you do the honors of marrying me?”

“Jisoo, I’m sick.” You weakly said.

“That doesn’t make me love you any less.”

You scoffed but nodded. “Fine, then. I’ll marry you.” And so I gently slid the ring on your finger and let you drift off to sleep.

The announcement gave a shock to the whole world. Hong Jisoo is getting married way ahead of Choi Seungcheol and Yoon Jeonghan? It was unbelievable for me as well but I was more than excited to call you legitimately as my wife and spend a lifetime with you.

Our wedding was scheduled right after the last stop of our tour right before Seungcheol and Jeonghan finally enlist in the military. It took quite a year of engagement, a few hair dying, and a few medications before we could finally walk the talk.

The door of the church opened and it revealed you in a beautiful wedding gown, but you weren’t walking. You were in a wheelchair since you were getting weaker and weaker as the days pass by. Ironically, the more medications you took, the frailer you’ve become.

To everyone, it seems as if you weren’t going through something. There weren’t any rashes in your skin, you’ve lost a couple of weight, but you seemed okay. You looked like a normal person to everyone. You even looked happy as you were going through the aisle.

Although in my mind, I know you were sick, you were still so beautiful that I had to brag to Jeonghan and Cheol, and say “that’s my wife right there” to which the rolled their eyes but I know they were jealous.

The most beautiful woman in the whole galaxy, the most precious gem, was right in front of me, and I’m getting married to her. I have no idea how much cheesy words I could muster but nothing could ever compare to you.

When you got to the altar, the moment you attempted to stand up, you almost fell to the floor but I quickly got you.

“You could just sit on the wheelchair.” I said.

“No, I’m fine.” You gave me a grin and clung onto me. I could feel your weight on me but it wasn’t important. What important to me was you, and this important day.

“Jisoo,” The priest held the mic for you as you said your vows while holding both on my hands. “I often apologize to you because I always think that I’m a burden to you. But your patience towards me was something else. It gave me a flicker of hope. Despite your busy schedule, you always find time to check up on me and be with me. So I thought, maybe I’m not such a waste of space in this world. You gave my life a brand new meaning, Josh. And as I spend my entire life with you from this day on, I promise to be as strong as you. I’m thankful that the Lord guided me to you. Thank you for loving me, and staying with me through sickness.. And in health.. And if worse comes to worst, I want you to continue to be happy for me. Until then, let’s be happy together and make the most of our time together.”

You were catching your breath throughout your whole vow. It was shorter than my vow but it was very much meaningful than mine.

The wedding rings were exchanged, and it was time to kiss the bride. You didn’t want me to kiss you out of fear that I might get something from you so I just opted to kissing your forehead and hugging you.

“I love you so much.” I whispered as I hugged you.

“I know. And I love you too.” You hugged me back tightly but slowly, your grip was loosening until both your hands fell to your side. That was when you lost all consciousness again and you were sent to the hospital.

It was very heartbreaking not only for me but for everyone that’s there and close to us to see you getting rushed to the hospital in your wedding gown. We didn’t even make it to the reception, but at least we got married, that’s what Cheol said.

What a beautiful, sunny day turned out to be a tragic day. I was in the waiting room with the kids, waiting for the doctor to go out and announce something. Seungkwan was crying in the corner, as well as Chan and Seokmin, while the others comforted them. Jeonghan, Cheol, Hansol, and Minghao stayed beside the whole time. We’ve waited for about an hour until the doctor went to us only for him to say,

“I’m sorry, your wife couldn’t make it.”

The four held me tightly so that I wouldn’t fall to the floor. They led me to sit down, and that was where I started to cry, sobbing frantically in Jeonghan’s coat, and involuntarily shaking. There was nothing I could do anymore, and there was nothing anyone could do, but to just accept the fact that you were gone.

The little funeral was held in the little cathedral where we got married. You wore a pretty white dress, and you were smiling as you laid down. Maybe you did live a happy life, and I’m glad that I was a part of that happy life.

In the cathedral, there was a huge wave of people that paid their respect and condolences. Even after your time here on earth, you were loved and still loved even now.

You were buried beside your parents, in a hill that overviews the sea. You were finally at peace, and finally together with your parents. Your sister was very strong, by the way. She didn’t shed a tear but I know she was breaking inside.

She gave me the gown you wore at our wedding, the suitcase you always used for work, and your ring that I attached to a chain and wore it as a necklace. Those were the only piece of you that I’ve got aside from the countless pictures I took of you. They were just enough for me to remind me of you, and how I love you, and how happy I was within the span of years we’ve been together. It still hurts that you didn’t live the long, normal life that you deserved. Honestly, if I could, I would trade places with you even just for a day so you’d enjoy how it feels like to jump around on stage, run and do lots of activities. You were a woman with so much joy and optimism, you deserved to live longer. But it couldn’t be undone. And it wasn’t your fault that you ended up this way.

It’s been 5 years since you‘ve been gone, and up until now, it still pains me to know that you’re not here anymore. I’ve been stuck in a rut for 5 years, wondering if I could go back to my old life, wondering if I could meet someone like you, or whether will I move on from you.

So much has happened during the 5 years. The kids are gradually discharging out of military and soon, we’re going to make a comeback. We’re only just waiting for Chan who will be discharged in a few days.

Not a day passes by that I don’t think about you and how disappointed you are that I’m not going out to meet new people. It’s just not the same without you but now, I think I’m finally willing to open up to new chances. That is why I’m writing this letter to you, to the woman I love and will always love, to the woman that has and will always have my heart no matter where I go, no matter what life I would be in.

I don’t want you to be mad at me for not moving on, so I’m taking your advice. I’m going to try my best to mingle and socialize so I could be happy like you want me to. But until then, I will always think of you and how you changed my life for the better.

Let’s meet each other someday. I’ll be searching for you.

\- Your only Jisoo.


End file.
